I'm tired

I'm tired

If I'm honest, and I try to be... I'm tired. I'm 31 weeks pregnant. My body hurts  now. Sleeping doesn't quite sleep like it used to. At night I situate my pregnancy pillow to support by bump and back while resting my head on a memory foam pillow my husband has graciously donated to my cause. I wonder if when I crack my back it sounds like fireworks to my baby, or like bombs going off. 

I'm working. I am grateful to have a job, and a really great one. But work is work. My brain doesn't seem to be keeping up as much. Drawing on the projects I'm working on takes it out of me. I keep trying to do more and remembering I don't have time on my side. 

I could birth this baby in 9 weeks or less. Actually... I will birth this baby in 9 weeks... or less. 

Most of the lovely people in my life know I have limits now. I'm bigger physically. I can't do quite as much, and what I can do I can't do as quickly. But sometimes I forget that not everyone knows I'm slowing down. 

Just the other day I got a flat tire. A guy came out and got my spare put on. I was holding my old tire (the one that got the tire in it) against my leg. Then the guy helping said, "Okay, you can go ahead a load that into your trunk now." I was wearing a sweatshirt and I realized he didn't know I was carrying a fully baby in here. I gently told him I'd love to help, but I shouldn't, and why not. 

I didn't know it would be hard to slow down, and be okay with just being pregnant for a while. Especially now towards the end I'm needing more grace for myself. I imagine it's a good way to practice having grace for myself once my baby is born, too. Being a mom is going to bring such a joy to my life (it already has). But it's not that life will slow down just because I have a baby. 

I will keep working, doing dishes, laundry, drawing, being a wife, planning things, being a friend, cleaning house, and all the other things I do. What must change is my perspective. As a mom I want rest to be important. I want to daily, weekly, and monthly take time away from work and not think about it at all when I'm not doing it. I also want to have realistic goals and not feel let down if my house doesn't get as clean as I might want it to all the time. I want to take my time when doing bath time and soak in those sweet moments. When Micah and I get to date I wanna date so fully, and hold hands because our love came first. 

As a mom I want to allow myself to be tired when I'm tired, and ask for help and rest. I want to start the positive narrative over myself now - I'm a good mom, and I'm going to do my best. My best is enough. 

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