As I write this I'm feeling my baby kick me in the side which reminds me this is all coming so soon. I'm becoming a mom this year. In three months. I'm sensitive to the fact that not everyone becomes a mom in the same way. I'll become a mom this first time through childbirth. I'm carrying a baby boy.
I've been carrying him for 7 months now. Which means I only have about 3 months left. It's odd. I don't deeply enjoy being pregnant, but I'm so thankful for it. I also think I'm in a moment of not wanting it to end out of some fear. Fear of childbirth, but of how everything will change.
Currently I love eating foods I crave, and going on walks with my husband. We talk all about what he will be like. Especially the moment the doctors place him on my chest. I just know I'll lose it. All tears. It really is going to be beautiful. But then we put him in a car seat, and he is ours forever.
I think I have some fear there. Some of it is too private to share on a blog post, but if you know me in real life send me a text and we can have a long coffee chat about it. But some are just general fears. Will I be too exhausted to function? Will I be too selfish? Too giving and lose myself completely? Will I find my work silly after I have him?
I'm an illustrator. Among other things I draw for a living. He will always be more important than my work. But, my work is part of me. It's been a huge gift to work as an artist, and to simply be an artist. But when he's crying and I'm trying to get a drawing finished it's going to feel a bit silly I think. Like "One minute, mom is drawing..." I don't know just thoughts I have. But I also hope to inspire him.
He will go to school one day and get to tell his friends his mom draws for a job. That gets me emotional. I've dreamed big and worked hard to let this part of me bloom. I've made sacrifices and truly built my own career. I hope I can leave that legacy to him.
Those are all the thoughts I have for today. I plan to keep this space updated with stream of consciousness style blogs, poems, cute drawing, musing, and life updates. I've been blogging or journaling since about 4th grade, if not before. It's part of me. I also love helping other feel less alone through encouraging notes, or words of any kind. This is just another space for that.
I used to wrap my whole identity up in what I do, but that just doesn't fit anymore. Maybe more thoughts on this in the next blog. For example, If I wanted to blog it had to be that I was "a blogger" now. I think I longed for a title. But now I don't really care for that. I love that all in the same day I'm a wife, friend, email-answerer, shop owner, illustrator, marketing manager, list maker, product designer, wholesale coordinator, purchasing manager, and someone who remembered to eat lunch! Anyway... I say all this to say I'm adding "Mom" to that list soon!!
Wishing you strength for today, and hope for tomorrow!